DBT: ‘And vs. But’ & ‘I-Statements
The words ‘and’ and ‘but’ are prevalent in day-to-day conversations — do you know the difference?
During my DBT lessons, I learned a valuable tool — the difference between the words ‘and’ and ‘but.’ Small words with a significant impact on conveying what you want to express.
‘And’ combines two or more words, phrases, related sentences, or thoughts.
Whereas ‘but’ shows a contradiction, an exception, an objection, or seems to negate the words or phrase before it.
Here’s another essential lesson I collected, the use of ‘I statements.’ An “I statement’ can help you communicate your concerns, feelings, and needs without blaming or sounding threatening. It enables you to get your point across in a validating and effective way.
An example of the word ‘but’ could be, “I love you, but you are not helping around the house makes my blood boil.”
Using the same sentence replacing ‘but’ with the word ‘and’ along with an ‘I-statement,’ “I love you, and sometimes my blood boils when I don’t get help around the house.”
In the first example, the use of ‘but’ and a ‘You-statement’ has a negative impact. Basically, ‘but’ is taking away “I love you” and could cause the listener to feel unloved and useless.
The use of ‘and’ along with an ‘I-statement’ has a different and more positive impact without “pointing fingers” and lets the listener recognize that they are loved and the communicator needs help around the house.
Using ‘and’ and ‘I-staements’ is something I am practicing. It’s interesting how when I hear someone use the word ‘but’ instead of ‘and,’ I replay the comment in my thoughts, replacing the word ‘but’ with ‘and.’ The difference amazes me.
The word ‘but’ can be similar to ‘and’ and helpful in some conversations. An example could be, “I like Jane, but not her friend,” or “I want to go home, but the flights were canceled.”
I was a struggling English student, and discussing the difference between ‘but’ and ‘and’ was challenging. I wanted to make the distinction clear, and I hope I did.
