Hardship
Being a mother of two and having a kid-at-heart man faithfully by her side, you would think her life was perfect. The pictures on Facebook show happy faces, treasured memories, and summertime that many consider impeccable and jealous of what things seem to be. At her side of the lens, there were moments of magic and moments that tore at her patience. Pictures say a thousand words and sometimes a thousand exaggerations.
While she stood by the lake and the wind blew through her brown curly hair, the smile on her face hid the tear running down her cheek. Her thoughts of being disconnected from those she has loved since childhood pull at her heart. Torn between disconnect and union, she wipes her tears and smiles at the camera.
The concern in her eyes is undeniable, yet they sparkle with joy. She carries the grief of losing and missing her mother with great intensity. Equally, she takes pride in being a strong, dependable mother herself. Little did she know the days she hated her mother were the moments she learned valuable lessons. When her teenage girl yells, “I hate you,” and slams the door, it means there is a lesson her daughter will remember.
She feels like a gypsy — living from one campground to another. She hopes for security before the chilled fall winds draw upon them. Hope won’t get her a warm home; she puts in great effort to find a home during the pandemic that has encompassed the world. Frustration can be overwhelming when she reads that the virus is causing life to be closed off from opportunity — she refuses to buckle under the weight of discouragement. Her strength remains tested each time she hands over an application for a home.
She doesn’t like that anxiety holds her back from doing things she had once enjoyed — breakthrough seizures from aneurysms built a wall between her and the world outside. A social woman is slowly pulling back from life as she once knew it.
She smiled, “Sometimes, when life is going in a good direction, it switches up the game, throwing a curveball. Taking away any sense of security I have built from the hardships of my past. I have made my strengths by losing loved ones to an untimely death, surviving aneurysms and illnesses, and worrying about my children’s future. These hardships support a wall of protection around me.”
She shared her secret with me before my mother died almost ten years ago. She told me that I could get through anything. She assured me that when one door closes, another one opens. I wish she had shared what I should have done in the dark hallway until the other door opened.
People ask how I am making it through the pandemic while homeless. Believe it or not, I assure them my mother is standing in the dark hallway with me — helping me prepare for the next open door. She shares advice, shows me hope in my dreams, and talks through lyrics, and occasionally I catch a glimpse of her in the shadows.
Whether you believe in an afterlife and residual energy from the dead, I do. I am not afraid of the challenges ahead for my family and me. I have hope for the future. We will survive because we have one of the most stubborn, strong, and brutally honest women we know at our side, and that woman is me.
THE END
Written by my beautiful sister, Billie-Marie Tanney 2021
Proofread by Mojha MacDowell
